Relationships
Bringing family into the process without losing your say
For many of our members a marriage involves two families from the first conversation. That can be a strength — with a few boundaries agreed in advance.
Eleanor Whitfield
Head of Matchmaking
1 min read
A recurring worry we hear, phrased a dozen ways: how do I involve my parents without handing them the decision? It is a fair question, and the answer is usually about sequence rather than secrecy.
Decide what stage they enter at
The families we see doing this well agree the stage in advance — most often after two or three conversations, once you know you want a fourth. Early enough that nobody feels presented with a fait accompli; late enough that you are not defending a stranger.
- Tell them what you have decided to share, and what you have decided to keep.
- Name one person as the point of contact. Three enthusiastic relatives is not a warmer welcome, it is a committee.
- Agree what a "no" from you means, out loud, before there is a specific person attached to it.
Families rarely overreach on purpose. They overreach into a vacuum.
What families are genuinely good at
Noticing patterns you are too close to see. Asking the awkward practical question about money or geography that you have been putting off. Providing a setting for a first meeting that is safe and unhurried for both people. None of that requires them to hold the decision.
And if a family disagrees with a match that you are sure about? That is a longer conversation than this article — but it is far more survivable when the boundaries were set before anyone had a name to argue about.
Eleanor Whitfield
Head of Matchmaking
Part of the team that builds, reviews and runs RealVows. We publish how the service works because a matchmaking method nobody can inspect is just a black box with better manners.